Me

Since I started blogging I have had three blogs, each one seems to have shown an insight into a different time in my life. I have not blogged in a while and in encouraging me to write my Sir has told me to tell my story which lead me to look up my old blogs and take a trip back in time.

I have changed a great deal since I started my first blog in September 2006, I have gained a degree, been in a long term BDSM relationship, gotten engaged, moved from Devon to Surrey, gotten a job, bought a house, broken up with my partener, moved to Devon, gotten another job, sold the house, gotten a new partener, lost someone close to me. Also before 2006 I spent 2 years basically off sick.

It is not just the practical apsects of what has made up my life, but also how it has changed me. Looking back on how things are I am not the same person as I was and more I am not the same person I would have been should any of those things not have happened. No matter how happy or sad they have formed me into the person I am

A quote I found which spoke to me……

Respect The Lady

Use And Thoroughly Abuse The Slut

Protect The Little Girl

And You Will Own The Heart, Body, And Soul Of The Woman

Capture The Mind…The rest Will Follow

                               ~Author Unknown

Owned

I guess i have been in a slave role within a BDSM relationship for a few months now, but never have i felt so owned. I started the relationship with my new Sir on some pretty intense ground work. We had been friends and casual playmates for 2-3 years and sleeping together for several months when i moved down to his area and we decided to make a go of it. We started our D/s M/s type relationship without safe words and with some fairly heavy play which I love and would never want to change. From time to time when we have both the time and the inclination we play around with TPE but for me, yesterday our relationship took the next step.

Due to the constraints of my job finding a permanant collar that can be on me 24/7 and that can’t be removed has been a challenge but yesterday my Sir took me to get my nipples pierced so that I have 2 little silver rings and once they are completly healed (4-6 months) the balls on the rings will be glued shut so they cannot be removed. It is an amazing feelings that has me feeling very submissive and owned this morning .

Marching into Question Month

This is something I have seen other blogs do but have ne really had the confidence to do, but times change and so although i know not many people read this if you do have a question feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer. Look forward to hearing from you………….

Need and want

I am looking for somewhere new to live, and in the process of hunting out houses I drew up a list of the things I needed and the things I wanted. I got me to thinking about how often those two concepts get muddled up. So often I find myself saying ‘oh but I need…’ when in fact I mean I want.

This seems especially relevant to my role as a submissive. I have put control over my life into the hands of another and while I expect him to ensure I have everything I NEED I do not have the same expectation for everything I want. While it might be nice it is not going to put me into a life and death situation if I don’t get that extra orgasm or slice of cake or watch that programme on tv.

My Sir and I do not live together and most weeks do not see each other Monday to Friday, which actually suits me fine it means I am still my own person and I still have my own life, something which is important to both of us for various reasons. However every weekend since we officially got together in October my Sir has come down friday night and stayed with me till Sunday. And I have begun to rely on that, saving up thoughts and decisions. But this weekend is different, my Sir visited last night but is spending the weekend at home, not something which is unreasonable after 4 months of spending every weekend together. At first I was a little put out by it, even a little sulky that my routine had been disrupted. But then I have work shifts to do, I visited a couple of friends this morning and I am enjoying my time. His visits are a want not a need, and while I like his opinions on various things they too are a want. In myself I am an independent person, I am intelligence and by no means NEED someone to help run my life. It is good to remember this sometimes as I gives me the reassurance that although I enjoy being in a power exchange relationship it is also a want, I can survive without it. And that makes me feel content and powerful in what I have.

Trouble and consequence

So what happens when a slave feels unable to carry out an order given to them? It is an issue which I guess could be debated because I have entered into the agreement with my Sir voluntarily and can leave the same way, I am not a slave in the historical sense and there is nothing more than my consent holding me into the relationship or any aspects of it. But within the relationship itself it is more complicated because I have chosen to give up my rights and controls to another and so when I choose to ignore his requests things become difficult.

I am writing this because this was the situation I found myself in at the weekend. We had gone to visit some friends, kink aware and down right kinky themselves so it is not as if any issues had to be hidden to maintain anyone’s innocence. During the afternoon we went in the hot tub and although I was reluctant everyone else was naked and so I joined in. However after getting out I redressed and when my Sir saw this he demanded that I strip again. Now, I would not have been the only one naked, and all the people present had already seen my body but I felt paralysed. I could not understand why it would be acceptable to be naked and in my head kept thinking, why would anyone want to see? It will make others feel uncomfortable! Yet my Sir kept asking and I withdrew into myself, unable to tell him I felt too uncomfortable to follow his instructions but also unable to follow them. Eventually he lost patience with me and removed my collar, but this made matters worse and I withdrew further until finally he took me outside and I was able to explain that I was too uncomfortable.

 So what now, my collar was returned to me but I remained in trouble, not for not following instructions but for not communicating with my Sir. It is now Tuesday and my actions still remain a problem between us. I have clearly disappointed my Sir and am losing privileges as a result. However the bigger question for both Sir and I is why I acted in such a way? In truth I am not sure as to the route of the problem, I do know that I felt uncomfortable demonstrating the D/s aspects of our relationship to others so that when I encountered a problem I tried to push it under the carpet so others wouldn’t realise. It is something I have found myself experiencing regularly, I can cope with being spanked in front of others, in fact I enjoy it. I can even cope with sexual acts, which although humiliating are so in a good way. But when it comes to demonstrating my Sir’s control over me I struggle. Which leads me to conclude that while I am comfortable with the bondage, sadistic and masochistic elements of BDSM when it comes to the submissive and discipline aspects I cannot bare for them to be made public fearing that others will judge

Jealousy, pettiness and my inability to get over it

I am not someone who regularly struggles with jealous. I am happy in an open relationship, more i struggle with the idea of monogamy. I am happiest when I can play with others and enjoy watching my Sir do so to, I have even considered poly in a serious way and still would if the right person came alone. Which is why it has been such a shock that the person who on paper should fit in perfectly causes me such problems and makesso many feelings of jealous. This other person, i shall call her Jane, is the house mate of my Sir and a close friend of mine. They have played together in the past and slept together in the past although that has stopped. She is a sub and is under my Sir’s protection and wears his collar in the form of a play collar.

In contrast I am my Sir’s slave and girlfriend, I am owned and the one he fucks, I have no safe word or limits. In this way we are so different, there is no chance anyone could mistake which one of us holds the higher position for my Sir.

But that only makes it more confusing as to why I have been struggling so much. However I have been thinking it through and it isn’t the potential for sex, it isn’t the fact they might play or that she wears his collar. No as I sat on christmas eve with them both I realised it is the casual intimacy between them that worries me. The way she finds it so easy to sit at his feet, the way that without thinking she will kiss him or feed him bits of her food. The way that in front of others she will happily sit and cuddle all the things I find so difficult. 

But more than that I struggle so so much with the way she can rely on him, with the way she needs him. Without a second thought she needs him and I can’t I want to but every time I feel myself sliding towards that place where I rely on him I pull back because it scares me to much, the chance of needing someone hurts still and I can’t allow myself back into that place. Although that is another post for another day.

Lastly and it sounds so petty but i resent that easy time, that you only get when you live with someone, when you are in the same space as someone just going about your everyday lives but keeping each other company none the less. Despite the pain and fear that I had in my last relationship it is that easy time I miss more than anything and it frustrates me more than I can explain that I am not in a position to have that but they can. And it is petty because I know my Sir is hardly ever home as he works away but knowing that when he is they get that makes me resent them leaving me feel petty and mean.